Thursday, April 10, 2014

The REAL Why Every Straight Man Needs a Gay Best Friend.

 My STRAIGHT Best Friend, Tommy McDowell, posted this link on my facebook:

Why Every Straight Man Needs a Gay Best Friend

First off, I feel like that implies you have a "Straight" best friend.  And possibly a "Black" best friend or "Woman" best friend.  I think we should all have a meeting like a League of Best Friends. 

Alas, Tommy knows that this is real list as we know it. 

TOP 10 Reasons Why This List is WRONG according to a GAY MAN-

1. Your gay best friend (GBF) can introduce you to tons of nice single ladies.

-More likely to introduce you to the Single Ladies choreography.  All the single ladies in his life want to marry him more than his SBF.

2. Your gay best friend may become your wife's friend too.

-Or her worst enemy!  She will be the target of eternal bitterness and jealously because she gets to have you in a way we never can just because she has boobs.  

3. Your gay best friend can be a great listener and social support as many gay people lived through bullying in their youth and became sensitive, caring, and loving people as adults. Yes, you can cry and open up with your new gay best friend.

-Not everyone gay man was bullied in high school.  Some lived like Queens and some grow up to be horrible hateful adults.  But sure, you can cry on my shoulder- any opportunity to play Oprah is a win in my book.  

4. Your gay best friend can help you outfit your wardrobe and you'll be out of the store on time and on budget.

-LIES LIES LIES. What the fuck does “on time” entail?  Shopping with a “budget”?!?!  You might as well stay home.  But if you want me help you pick out the 100th flannel shirt and not-so-skinny jeans that make you look feel confident enough to not gay bash me- so be it.

5. Your gay best friend can make a great gym and fitness buddy. 

-You as a SBF are being used in this situation.  You are there to make all the other gay gym rats jealous by association.  Tomorrow, I will return and they all will inquire where my “boyfriend” is and I will respond “what boyfriend?”.  No one will be lying.  No one will go home alone.    

6. Your gay best friend will be there for you if you ever need a hug. Hugging is the universal gay greeting. 

-The universal gay greeting is “hey gurl hey”.  The hug is only implied.  You stand corrected.   

7. Your gay best friend would probably be a good ego boost to your self-esteem and self-confidence when you need emotional support. This can help you overcome any rejection you experience from the women in your life.

-We’re always there to pick up the pieces.  So yes.  But sometimes emotional support comes in the form of a back handed compliment, a bit of too honest shade, or a tall stiff martini.  But where women will come and go, you GBF will sit pining from the sidelines….with more martinis.  

8. Your gay best friend would probably be a great person to talk to about sex, sexuality, and relationships.

-Yes.  A great person who will talk about THEIR sex, sexuality, and relationships.  I think with my SBF we’re at a 10 to 1 ratio in sex stories.  

9. You can crash at your gay best friend's place when the need arises.

-Addendum is likeliness that your GBF has many many many decorative pillows on his bed.  Instant “no homo” sleep barrier.  In gay man’s terms- Les Miz Pillow Barricade where no one is getting shot at tonight.  

10. Last and most importantly, your gay best friend will be a loyal, committed, and trusted friend because for many gay people, their friends are their family. 

-No argument here.  Yes, many gay people find their family amongst their friends.  They will be loyal until the very end.  Your GBF will even spend 30 minutes writing their own list to (a) show how funny they think themselves and (b) to tell you how much they love you for being their SBF.  

But I really think that the #10 reason every straight man should have a gay best friend-  The BJ’s.  So many BJ’s.

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