Day 199: Counting UP the Days (Footballs and Grenades)

A number like 199 will always feel more significant than 200. 199 seems like you're reaching as if to say, "you're almost there!". 200 seems like you've settled.  I digress.

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Arriving in Seattle yesterday seemed ever strange.  With only two cities left and only forty performances to go, I can see a finite end to this leg of my journey with American Idiot.  One can only hope to document their time with an experience like this and try to enjoy every last moment and yet this question nags me more and more frequently of late:

"Do you have anything else lined up?"

"What are you going to do when it's all over?"

"What's next?"

Pretty much my entire life I have heard it from my friends, my mother, my father or internally of myself.  But now I can taste the venom of the question, "what's next?". 

I advise, when someone other than yourself asks, to politely say, "I don't know as of yet."  But if the question comes from within say, "I don't fucking know yet!  I'm not done with right now to worry about what's fucking next!"

Remember the blogpost I did a couple weeks back about how the show has become a job and it's hard and blah blah blah.  I want to slap that former-bitch-self in the face.  I am weeks older and wiser for it.....HAH! 

It is natural for human beings to agonize, to worry about what's next.  I get that.  I am, in fact, human (wink wink LA girls).  But what infuriates me is when I can't see the patterns and mistakes that I have made in the past.  This will not be the first show I've closed and far from the last.  In fact, it is a pleasure cruise to know the definite impending closing date of July 8th, more anxiety eliminated.  In the past, I would have counted down the days, daydreamed of what it would be like back home, scrambling to find that next audition, signing in to work while checking out of life.  Life before my eyes....  

It is human to worry.  It is god-like to savor.  

You hear in many different ways.  You hear it in many different languages.  Let the message of "carpe diem" ever trump the fucking question, "what's next?"  

When I fall, I find comfort in the idea that I can try again tomorrow.  But, in truth, there is no guarantee that there will be a tomorrow.  Wouldn't that make one afraid of falling in the first place?

 It is very possible for me to fall off a speaker stack during the show tonight and break my leg or more likely fall off the top of the bus and break my face.  And yet I do it anyway.  Because if I do metaphorically fall, or literally, why not do it rocking out to beat of your own drum while giving everyone else the finger?  Fall because you have taken the day to climb the highest tower.

I constantly fight to remember to be present in my day to day.  Because every day matters.  Every moment matters.  It's not about getting out of this place and time, it's about what can you get out of this place and time. 

Does that make sense?  If not, I'm sure a couple-weeks-older-Kelvin-blogger will correct me.  But until then, I can't worry about what he knows or not.  

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This blog post has been weirdly/positively inspired by those at the stage door of late and the pilot episode of "Fridays Night Lights", which is my new favorite show.  Football and God are not my thing, but damn....  Fine writing and fine acting wins me over always.

There is a fantastic culture to Football;  similar to fanaticism that I have for theater.   I finally get it.

I highly recommend the show.  And if still not inspired, please read the play "Take My Out"

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And if you haven't seen my homage to American Idiot here it is.  I don't promise an Episode Two as I'm going to try to actively kiss every boy in Seattle (they're all like hot skinny Vikings, wtf?!)

American Idiotoons - Episode One
by: KelvinIdiot