Day 7: Sometimes You Just Feel Broken

I don't know if it is show & it's content or if it is the show & my inner self.  Life imitating art imitating life-  I have to be honest, I have no idea what that means....

Let me preface by saying that rehearsals are going great.  Lorin Latarro is kicking our asses.  She is the keeper of movement in this show and her guidance is simply incredible.  Where would we be without her?  I already love this show, therefore my old habits of worrying relentlessly has already led me to thinking about this show ending in July and I am preemptively devastated.

So... Today:  I am physically and emotionally exhausted.  There are bruises on my shins, my knees, my forearms, my stomach, my elbows..... but none of them hurt.  I look at them with pride.  A symbol of giving it my all....  and that's when the one real bruise pounds with a world full of hurt-  My Bruised Ego.  I have this nagging inner voice, this bully, that speaks louder than every voice in the room: 

It says, "You're not fit for this",  "You aren't learning this fast enough", "How did you get this job?", "Fatass",  "You're the one person making this look like shit", "You're playing minor league ball with the big boys", "You're not dancing as hard as everyone else"....  essentially.... "Your best simply isn't good enough". 

And it hurts.  The beating I give myself hurts like a motherfucker.

I bring this up not to begin my cyber wallowing for you avid readers (of whom, I thank for taking interest).  I bring this up because right as I'm about LOSE IT and drown my emotions into a cookies and cream milkshake and a side of kush-  I remember that I am here.  This life I have now- I made it.  And it's what I got.  And that is enough.

I remember writing this in a journal right before my final callback for this show.  If I remember that and continue to work as hard I can, well, it'll come in my time.  It doesn't hurt the fact that I get to work with the most incredible supportive cast mates, one could ever ask for.  Their talents are only matched by their passion for their craft and this piece- you can see it plastered on their beautiful faces.
Lesson for me-

Not everyday can be amazing.  Sometimes you just feel broken.  But keep on running.  Keep on fighting.  And tell that bully in your head to "shut the fuck up". 

WEEK ONE: The Morning After (I Blame Matt D.)

 "Work Hard!  Play Harder!!!".....only cause you know you have the day off tomorrow....

Honestly, I have no idea if my body feels this way because of the Jesus of Suburbia choreography, which is for realz dope, or the copious amounts of hurricanes, margaritas, extra shots, and sugar free redbulls I consumed.  Definitely not from the water I did NOT drink last night.

If anything, Blockheads remains true in my memory bank.  You should be renamed, Block-Off-Tomorrow-Cause-All-You'll-Feel-Is-Your-Head..... damn cheap tequila margaritas, I can't resist you. Especially since it was abnormally warm in NYC and allowed the cast to have a post-week cocktail or six.

The rest of the evening I blame on Matt D. aka "Cruise Director", aka "Trouble"....coming to a city near you.... 

I cannot believe we sang through the show yesterday. 
Alas, WEEK ONE!  You are done!  I am done, and all I want is take out.

***UPDATE*** How could I forget!  So Day 1, we got a message from Billie via Michael....pretty awesome.  Yesterday we got an email from Billie telling us that (I'm going to paraphrase here) "[we're] going to be a smash.  Not like a smash "hit".  But like smash the heads of the audience."  Cause the show rocks.  How awesome is that? 

He may have also mentioned that he may be seeing us sooner than not.  Okay, I don't believe in Santa Claus-  So, all I want for Christmas is Billie Joe in my stocking.  Do I have to be on the naughty or nice list for that?***

***Oh, and I did order that take out.... ;-) ***

Day 5: Morning Routine (and musings...)

I am not one for routines.  I hate them.  But this show has forced me into one and perhaps I'll enjoy being a morning person......  NOT!

But here it is nonetheless what my new Idiot Morning feels like:

-8am Alarm.  I swear at my Iphone
-8:09 snooze re-alarm.  I crack open my eyes still swearing.
-8:18 I finally turn off the alarm.  I stare at my Iphone and check my email.  All spam between last night and now.
-8:30 I stare at the ceiling and assess what part of my body hurts.  Answer?  All of it.
-8:35 I steal cup of my roommate's coffee, water it down so I can drink it faster.
-8:40 I shower.  I stare at the tile and grout.
-8:50 I blowdry my hair til it stands straight up/get dressed in the dark.

All the while, listening to the AI album trying to sing the harmonies and not the melody like I have for years!!! 

But the point of this blog was not to vent about mornings but my thoughts on why, I now know, the show meant so much to me when I first saw it.  In working with Steven and Lorin, I realized that the show becomes highly personal in it's development of movement. 

For the fans of the Broadway version,  be prepared-  a lot of the choreo will be different.  It's not for economy sake but because each move has a story, a story that has been created by this new tour cast as an ensemble.  As an actor, this is an amazing gift.  (Nicci's blog has the girls story down, so perhaps I'll report for the boys)  While the girls were doing a little Letterbomb, the boys went to learn Boulevard. 

I remember this number in particular.  It's the first time the world of American Idiot slows down, a new city that is infinite.  In the choreo, each hand movement was crafted by us as ndividuals to represent a moment of loneliness.  Let me tell you-  It goes there.  The movement never becomes mundane when it's attached to some very real roots. 

Just a morning musing.  So my morning routines continues:

-9:00am:  I slam down a cup of orange juice and a multi-vitamin
-9:05am:  I leave my apartment, elated because it's to go to work!

Have a great day, peeps!

Day 4: Thanks, Idiot!

After only three days of rehearsing, we had our first day off to spend Thanksgiving with family and friends.  I had high hopes of going to parade this year, but instead, I rested my sore body and ate mashed potatoes for breakfast!   Then a little Turkey Time with the Loh's, Fung's and Cheng's (Yup, Chinese Thanksgiving) of Greater New York.

 "I Don't Feel Any Shame, I Won't Apologize"

Today, I felt like a million bucks, which leads me to be sincerely nervous about next week when we don't have a  mid-week recoup day.   This show is not for the feint of heart!  It was a Lorin and Johanna day and they kicked our asses royally.  Looking around-  everyone is loving the abuse!  :-)

Ou! We added our guitarist and drummer to rehearsal.  Our opening number is STAGED!  What?!  It sounds flippin' amazing to have these guys here and I'm looking forward to sharing the stage with these awesome musicians.

And now what you all must be dying to know-  What am I THANKFUL for w/ American Idiot?

-Gaby's Brittany Spears Impression
-Ability to cancel my gym membership
-Jarran's Pecan Pie that he "made"
-My body not crumbling beneath me
-Tom Kitt.  Period.  End of Story.

DAY 2: On A Clear Day... (you can see your cellulite melt)

Steven Hoggett is no joke.  More sprinting.....and then chest and arms.  I am reduced to a bowl of jello.  I guess it's only up from here and I'm enjoying the physical challenge that AI is providing.  Really exciting news is that the choreo we improvised yesterday will most likely be incorporated as our choreo for (I believe?) "She's a Rebel".  I knew already, but it is reconfirmed, that this show will be completely artistically fulfilling to be a part of.

Not a whole lot more to report except that we were generously invited by our producers to see On A Clear Day on the Broadway starring Harry Connick Jr.  It's a really beautiful production with a stellar new book with dynamic honest performances.  There is a new gender/sexuality story created for this revival and I think exploration of this altered incarnation will provide a more provocative and poignant dialogue amongst contemporary audiences.  The classics songs and their new orchestrations are amazing and the highlight for me!....still a music nerd. 

 Hellooooo Nurse! .... I mean Doctor.

 

A lot of the cast members went and it felt like it was one of the first "family outtings".   Michael stopped up to the mezzanine to say "hi" during intermission and someone commented how surreal it was to be talking to the director of this major new Broadway musical while rehearsing another of his pieces.  Surreal it is!

Tomorrow we're staging the top of the show through "American Idiot".  Crazy right?  We're moving fast, because, well.... these people are amazeballs.  Yup, I said it.  Amazeballs. 

PS. Not expecting to blog everyday but it's what you do when you are a soft insomniac.

Day 1: New York City (First Day of School)

It's a little before 9pm and I am BEAT!  Rehearsal started off with a bang-

I have to geek out for a moment; No Billie Joe yet, or anyone from the Green Day team but it would have been overload seeing them and also sharing the room with three serious theater greats:  Michael Mayer, Tom Kitt and Steven Hoggett.  Is this really my life?  I'm a crazy fan of all their works and well- when I go to talk to them, I'm reduced to a babbling college freshman. 

It was a get to know you day.  Meet and greets and trying to retain everyone's name.  I am already enamored by this cast.  First off, everyone is just BE-A-U-TIFUL.  The energy feels just right;  honest, warm and raw.   Steven had us, at one point, sprinting (mine, a light jog) across the room as an exercise shouting each other's names, then choreographed our own routines in groups.  Oh, and a serious abs warm-up- ouchies, I'm discovering a muscle group that doesn't really flex unless we're at taco bell. 

Then some music time with Tom and our awesome music director Jared Stein.  These guys are going to have us sounding baller in no time.  Catching sound bytes of everyone's voice in rehearsal-  making that sound for the first time as a group-  I have to remind myself that I have to sing and not just listen to the awesomeness that is this group of rockers.

Alright, time to do a little memorization homework and unwind with a little American Horror Story-  behind on my all my shows!

 Considering I got dressed while barely awake,

no clean laundry after Orlando, I think I looked presentable 

for first day!

 This book holds all the secrets.  Pure genius within.

Day Negative 2: Picture Challenge

Traveling with Nikki, we have discovered a new fun game that I think I would love to take on the road. PICTURE CHALLENGE!!!

Here are the rules:

1. Pick a prop, statue/sign/landmark, unique locale, and/or street character.
2. Scream "Picture Challenge"
3. Be the fiercest model ever. (daring and obscene highly encouraged)
4. Everyone gets a turn. (group challenges on occasion)




Lose!


Win!

Winning photo gets 7 years of awesome bedroom luck... Or some bullsch like that!

Stay tuned!

- Posted from my iPhone

Location:Carrier Dr,Orlando,United States

Day Negative 7: Hello Mickey Mouse vs. Harry Potter

In preparation for 6 months on tour, I decided to treat myself to a little vacation to Orlando with my BFFie, Nikki MacCallum (of VH1's Why Am I Single fame).

The new Hilton Parc Soleil (thanks Dad!) is pretty posh but we drop the F-Bomb entirely too much in this family establishment.  We are in fact legit profresh drunks/cheapskates as we went to the liquor store, made our own tropical drinks with little umbrellas and all to sunbathe.  Highlight of the day was getting 2nd place in the poolside newlywed game.  We beat couple married over 25 years....suckers....

Start rehearsal in exactly a week and it's all I'm thinking about.  I always look forward to starting a new project but American Idiot.... let's just say I'm really excited. 

A little fun fact:  My college pocket-change-making-job was an usher for Broadway shows with the Jujamcyn organization.  I, in fact, was an usher for American Idiot when it was playing at the St. James.  Sitting and watching this amazing production, I said, "I will be in this show". 

Alas, I could not be more grateful or honored.  Tomorrow as a worthwhile distraction.... Harry Potter world.  Upon entering the park, I will have a cloak and a wand to galavant with in about 3.5 seconds.  "Accio Amazeballs Time!"