Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Day 7: Sometimes You Just Feel Broken

I don't know if it is show & it's content or if it is the show & my inner self.  Life imitating art imitating life-  I have to be honest, I have no idea what that means....

Let me preface by saying that rehearsals are going great.  Lorin Latarro is kicking our asses.  She is the keeper of movement in this show and her guidance is simply incredible.  Where would we be without her?  I already love this show, therefore my old habits of worrying relentlessly has already led me to thinking about this show ending in July and I am preemptively devastated.

So... Today:  I am physically and emotionally exhausted.  There are bruises on my shins, my knees, my forearms, my stomach, my elbows..... but none of them hurt.  I look at them with pride.  A symbol of giving it my all....  and that's when the one real bruise pounds with a world full of hurt-  My Bruised Ego.  I have this nagging inner voice, this bully, that speaks louder than every voice in the room: 

It says, "You're not fit for this",  "You aren't learning this fast enough", "How did you get this job?", "Fatass",  "You're the one person making this look like shit", "You're playing minor league ball with the big boys", "You're not dancing as hard as everyone else"....  essentially.... "Your best simply isn't good enough". 

And it hurts.  The beating I give myself hurts like a motherfucker.

I bring this up not to begin my cyber wallowing for you avid readers (of whom, I thank for taking interest).  I bring this up because right as I'm about LOSE IT and drown my emotions into a cookies and cream milkshake and a side of kush-  I remember that I am here.  This life I have now- I made it.  And it's what I got.  And that is enough.

I remember writing this in a journal right before my final callback for this show.  If I remember that and continue to work as hard I can, well, it'll come in my time.  It doesn't hurt the fact that I get to work with the most incredible supportive cast mates, one could ever ask for.  Their talents are only matched by their passion for their craft and this piece- you can see it plastered on their beautiful faces.
Lesson for me-

Not everyday can be amazing.  Sometimes you just feel broken.  But keep on running.  Keep on fighting.  And tell that bully in your head to "shut the fuck up".